That's me on the day I died.
That's me that day...
That dark shadow...
Nobody is coming.
I wasn't killed by anybody.
I... I killed myself.
Don't die.
I... understood you.
You understand me too, right?
Fill in the Blanks
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Turning the stretcher!
Stretcher coming through!
Please, wait in the lobby. It's dangerous.
1, 2, 3!
Tetsuo, are you okay?
Yeah... sorry. We had police interviews and so.
It was on the news before.
A man jumped from a hotel at the Resurrected Association conference...
That's right...
You must have been worried. Sorry.
Are you okay?
I heard you tried to stop the jumper.
Yeah...
The representative said that you seemed to know each other.
Saeki.
It was Saeki.
Why...
He came, even if he had no invitation.
Because you were there?
Could be...
Did he say anything?
Even if he comes to life, he'll die over and over again, he said...
I'm glad you are safe.
Oh...
- Good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Tsuchiya.
Were you acquainted with the person who jumped?
Yes...
Seems like he survived.
Yeah... I'm glad.
He was... in pain.
He repeatedly told me of his disdain for humans and this world.
Saying there is no meaning to life.
He was frustrated, wondering why people didn't just admit it.
But it's not just unpleasant, sometimes it's kind of...
I felt like he was speaking from my own heart.
Even if it's an idea I don't remember having...
No one can deny a person the right to suffer.
That would be cruel.
There was this kind of thinking in Europe.
This world is a place of vicious hostility, created by the evil one,
and men must escape to the world of the good God far, far away.
Many people felt that was true in the Middle Ages,
when wars and plagues killed large numbers of people.
Maybe that's what he wanted to talk about.
Is that so?
It was a real pleasure to talk to you, Mr. Radek.
Likewise.
Mr. Tsuchiya, someone close to me works for a non-profit organization that deals with suicide prevention.
I am sure they will be able to give you advice that will benefit you.
Thank you.
Grandma!
Grandma, I'm glad, but you didn't have to come out to receive me.
Grandma, I'm home.
You were able to come back!
How is that?
I don't really know, but I returned to life.
I see, that's good!
You were a child who learned to worship Buddha faster than words.
Saying "non-non-non"...
You would put your hands together, do you remember?
No, not at all...
After you died, grandma
cried and offered incense every day there.
If you say she's senile, she'll get mad at you.
I see...
- The tea is ready. - Yes.
Oh, grandma.
Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.
Yes, thank you, thank you...
What kind of kid was I? From a parent's point of view.
You were a handful, right grandma?
Yes, you would never complain, right?
- Was she that calm? - Yeah.
You were a boy, so when you wanted to be rough
I used to wrestle with you here.
Ah, I remember that, using two tatami mats as a ring.
Yes, you would always ask me for one more time.
You used to play the role of the father.
It was both for your sake and for dad's sake.
If he were alive, he would have wanted to play with his son like this.
I felt like I had to live for my father.
I was told we look quite alike.
You rebelled against that.
- Really? - Yeah.
You once told me that when you were graduating from elementary school.
"I am my own person! I'm not dad's offshoot."
Did I say that?
Really? You don't remember?
I won't forget being told that.
Did I really say that...?
But you were right, yes.
I was trying too hard to see your father in you.
Then I reflected on it and stopped talking like that.
I don't remember, but I must have said so, then.
Mom... why did you think I killed myself?
Ah, when you heard I had killed myself, you said that you "understood".
Yeah...
- Your hands. - Hands?
You died with your hands like this.
With both hands clasped.
Since you were a kid,
you always did that when you had to endure something alone.
If it was an accident, you would have your hands open like this, trying to grab something.
When I saw you died like that,
I thought "ah, he jumped by his own accord."
I see...
- I'm home. - Welcome back.
Sorry, I'm late.
It's fine.
Was your mother well?
Yeah.
Ah, I told her we'll go to visit her again.
Yeah.
- And Riku? - Sleeping.
- I see. - Yeah.
I refuse!
What's wrong?
I will... try to go to the company again.
Why?
I remembered...
The day I wrote this.
The day you died?
Sorry for bothering you today.
Don't worry.
I've been taking a lot of time off lately. I haven't been able to get back to work properly yet.
That seems to be so. I heard from Mr. Gonda.
I see... I've been feeling quite down...
Funny, isn't it?
I'm sorry... I've caused you a lot of anxiety...
It's not just about you.
Things gradually piled up.
Maybe I could have understood you better now....
I remembered about that day.
That you stood up for a client appointment?
Yes...
I mistakenly wrote that schedule a month in advance.
Ah, true, you said you were sure that you had written it down.
March 22 was blank.
I asked if you wanted to decrease your workload.
I said that it was okay.
Anybody can make a mistake like that.
After you left that day, I checked my planner again and again,
I blamed myself, wondering how I could have made such a mistake.
Ishizawa Beer was finally about to go on sale,
I went to Bali on a family trip, and refreshed myself,
I was going to work as hard as I could.
Even if you are enjoying it and are fulfilled, fatigue is fatigue.
That could be the case.
When I lied in bed at night...
My whole body was numb, I couldn't move anymore.
Ah, it was the same for me.
But I felt alive.
You'd get anxious if you weren't tired, right?
Yes.... It was the only way to escape from anxiety.
I thought that I was being left behind and there was no end in sight for me.
I was tired.
I sometimes resented the times I was living in,
wondering why I had to suffer so much
just to get married, buy a house, and raise children.
But I was sure I could work more.
It's like a beer toast.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
You are so happy that you toast
and drink it all the first time, getting more poured.
But after the third or fourth glass, it gets harder and harder.
Once you drink it, you get more poured for you.
It finally overflows with too much momentum.
That's when people are at the height of their happiness.
I understand.
That day, in this seat...
Why are you working with such desperation?
I heard Saeki's voice.
What is the point?
There was nobody there.
I repeatedly hit my head.
For a moment, the suffering stopped....
Just when I thought I had finally turned it off, I heard that voice again.
Why are you working so desperately?
So I went to the rooftop.
I see...
But...
But I don't know what happened after that.
I saw a shadow at that time.
- A shadow? - I think that shadow was chasing me.
I think it was Saeki's shadow.
His apathy toward life, his hatred of life,
mixed with my own, swelled up inside me....
Isn't that enough?
It's hard for you to remember that last moment, isn't it?
But if I don't know what happened, that shadow may come again.
I feel like I'm going to be swallowed up again by something unknown....
I'm scared.
It's almost the time when I died.
Please, let me go to the rooftop.
I want to fill the blanks.
Okay.
Even you are actually disappointed with your life.
Bulls-eye, right?
Can that happiness of yours overcome the emptiness of life and the pain of living?
You, yourself, more than anyone else, don't believe that.
Wrong!
I'm not like you!
Hey... Tsuchiya! Are you okay?
You haven't realized yet?
I'm your father, who died when you were one year old.
I killed you.
Riku...
You are actually disappointed with your life.
You're empty... Spot on, right?
No!
My mind... is rotten...
Don't come, Riku! Don't come!
That's not the real me... no...
I have to turn it off...
Don't come!
Tsuchiya!
You can't come! Riku!
Tsuchiya! Hey!
Tetsuo... what's wrong?
Mr. Gonda... can you give me Saeki's address?
Excuse me.
It's Tsuchiya.
Come in.
Why did you come?
Sorry for intruding...
What is it?
Did you come to laugh at me?
No.
Why don't you laugh?
Even if I'm alive, I can't have things go my way
and yet I can't die, it's laughable.
I see you like Van Gogh.
Living caused him pain too.
He had painting.
I have nothing.
Is it necessary? A meaning to life.
Yes.
This is my father's bed.
- Where's your father? - He died.
My father, who I hated for a long time and who I took care of, finally died,
but now I am forced to sleep in the same bed...
Ironic, isn't it?
Some people like my father want to live but they die.
Thinking that, I am glad to be alive.
You can say that because your father died.
You would have hated him if he was alive.
How can you be so sure?
- Because you are that kind of person. - That kind of person?
You chose death because you felt the pain of living.
I think it's a very wise choice.
But... I don't know why I jumped.
- Are you still saying that? - I really don't know.
Why did I do such a thing...?
I thought I was being constantly chased by your shadow.
I thought I died because of that...
But that's not it.
Somewhere along the way, your voice got louder and louder inside me.
I wanted to turn off your voice.
When we talked in the car,
I choked you to shut you up.
I have never been in your car.
No, I got into the car in the company's parking lot, and you were already inside...
I was inside before you?
And how did I get in? I didn't have the key.
I saw you slumped inside of your car often, though.
You were exhausted.
But you didn't want to admit it.
The truth is, you were worn to shreds.
Van Gogh.
Each one is different, isn't it?
Which one do you think is the real Gogh?
I think it's this one.
You know he cut off his own ear, right?
This painting was right after that.
Then the others are fake?
All the other Van Goghs are the real Van Gogh himself too.
What are you trying to say?
There is no way that such an honest artist would paint a fake version of himself.
But every self-portrait is quite different.
Van Gogh when he lived with his brother Theo.
Van Gogh at a time when he was seeking to communicate with other painters.
Van Gogh at the time of his falling out with Gauguin.
And a self-portrait of his later years.
There are many versions of yourself inside of you, right?
Van Gogh committed suicide with a handgun.
Which Van Gogh do you think killed which Van Gogh?
Which Van Gogh killed which...?
This Van Gogh who cut his ear
killed all the other Van Goghs.
And all of the rest together killed this sick Van Gogh.
Do you know why?
It is the deceptive righteousness that kills us, thinking that
we need to be happy, that we need to be positive.
This dangerous, pathetic, sick Van Gogh who cut off his own ear,
Killed by healthy, strong Van Goghs who are alive and well.
How could that be?
Because they wanted to live.
The truth is, they wanted to live properly.
They... they didn't want to be swept by their own insanity again.
They want to live honestly, like everyone else.
Wanting to live...
I want to live...
You were exhausted.
You were actually worn to shreds.
Why am I working so hard, exhausted,
and grinding myself to death for nothing much in return?
No, I must not think like that.
I'm just happy to be able to work.
There are people who are more unfortunate.
But... I've worked so hard, and yet...
everybody hates me for one trivial lie...
Why?!
In such time, you should just hate.
We just have to be honest about our preferences.
It's okay to hate Sonoda, it's okay to hate your bosses, to hate your company,
your parents, your family, and even yourself.
Shut up!
What's wrong? If you had told me, I would have come and picked you up.
Riku, come here and help me.
What's wrong? Why are you wet?
He forgot the umbrella.
Can you prepare the bath so he doesn't catch a cold?
Wait...
Thank you.
Thank you, Riku.
Want one too?
Yeah, thank you.
I... killed myself.
Saeki made a DVD of the security camera footage...
I saw it.
It shows the door to the rooftop, and me arriving alone and going out.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you before...
Are you sure?
Yes...
But... I didn't know why...
So I went to the rooftop again...
I was trying to end my... suicide.
I don't want to kill myself anymore...
Did you understand?
It was my fault after all?
No, that's not it.
I really care about you and Riku the most.
It wasn't that me who jumped off the building.
What do you mean?
I went to Saeki's today.
Why?
I just wanted to ask if he had said anything before I died that could have caused it....
But I didn't understand.
I didn't, but... Saeki,
said that the truth is that he wanted to live properly.
Live like everybody else...
It was the same for me.
I finally remembered.
What was the last thing I thought...
I want to live. That's what I thought.
I want to live!
Is that weird?
But, that's true.
Even at my last moment... I didn't think "I want to die."
I wanted to live. I didn't want to die.
Exhaustion was really driving me insane.
I wanted to erase that self, become decent,
and live happily ever after with Chika and Riku...
That's how it was.
I want to live...
Forgive me for killing myself...
I've caused you a lot of hardships and sadness...
I made you feel alone...
I'm really sorry...
Thank you... for coming back.
I'm sorry.
- Be careful now. - But it's amazing.
- Yes, he's good. - Yeah.
You can do it!
- You did it! - Awesome!
I did it! Hurry, hurry!
Hurry up, dad!
Just now...
Yeah, he called you dad.
- Yeah. - Hurry up!
- This is scary! - Sorry, sorry!
Okay! Here I go!
Okay, I made it. High five!
- High five! Mum, you too, hurry, hurry! - Yes!
Chika!
Chika?
I am the impurest child in the world.
Chika!
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